| Stripping your nerves from your body like strings. |
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a parasite without a past.
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[26 Apr 2004|04:32pm] |
i have a new lj username. im killing this one.
ashesofabaddon
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| im digging my hole. i hit rock bottom. toss me in and close the lid. |
[25 Apr 2004|11:26pm] |
forever your eyes will hold the memory. i saw your heart as it overtook me. we tried so hard to understand and reason. but in that one moment i gave my heart away. that perfect breath where my mind lay beside me. and all i knew was what had overtaken me. with no explanation i am comforted by inability to understand. when i wake from this dream will you still be here? will your smile still open my heart and leave me transparent?
you deserve far much better than i can ever be. you dont need to waste your time with me. why didnt i see this before.
i am so sorry.
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| the sands of time, for me, are running low... |
[25 Apr 2004|01:39am] |
i had a fucked up dream last night. i was seriously dying. it wasnt an actual dream. i was awake. a tingly sensation was running throughout my body. i couldnt move. i tried so hard. i couldnt move. i could look around. 3:21 am. i could hear everything. my air cleaner. i felt my chest. inhaling and exhaling. yet i wasnt getting any air. i wasnt breathing even though all the functions were apparent and working fine. i was scared shitless. then i was trying to yell for my dad. i couldnt hear myself. just my air cleaner. i was freaking out. i was trying so hard. no sound was coming out. no movement. then i just laid there helpless. crying. i was seriously about to die. i thought i was. then i guess i fell alseep and when i woke up, my eyes were covered in dried tears.
i guess you will never feel the same way i do...
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[23 Apr 2004|11:36pm] |
i have my flaws. i have my reasons. i will be ok.
great job to, in all honesty. augustine. one day remains.
it was pleasant to see the ones that i dont see often.
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[23 Apr 2004|12:02am] |
hmm. good person with a happy ending. bad person. never going to have a chance. some people are fortunate enough to be happy within relationships that excel past a friendship. some people. search every place they know of and wait for a relationship to make them complete. yet. they have no luck in the journey. and there are some that never really look for it and it is given to them on a silver platter. this is how life is. too bad i seem to fall in the second category. what else is there?
i remain in shadows growing wings. i know youre deception. i offer grace. i offer blood. i offer everything 'till my heart is crystal clear.
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| Take me under your black wings. Mark my words. Destroyer of senses. |
[21 Apr 2004|10:37pm] |
promise falls. the sounds taste good.
external replacement. eternal engagement.
show tomorrow.
my apologies go to everyone that i pissed off, let down, annoyed, or just plainly made uncomfortable.
a clouded day is fuled. closer closer closer.
im dead to myself. why do i do this? never consumated.
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| the birth of a new found joy was given an abortion. |
[20 Apr 2004|11:17pm] |
im not a fucking toy. keep pulling my string. im done entertaining you. im nothing from no where. just leave me be.
one day remains. augustine. in all honesty. at moose joose. corner of wiltshire and wakefield. at 7:00. $3.
some of the best things in life are worth waiting for. im still waiting.
i threw my heart away. i dont use it anyways.
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[19 Apr 2004|11:13pm] |
~~~moose joose show friday. go. one day remains. in all honesty. augustine. $3. 7:00 doors.~~~
waiting...waiting...
slipping through centuries untouched by human love, void of the simple pleasures that human life provides, forever bound, i lie in wait, undying and insane.
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[19 Apr 2004|10:05am] |
some things never change...
on a lighter note.
-One Day Remains, augustine and in all honestly are playing at moose joose. this friday, april 23rd. $3 i think. probly around 7:00 or 8:00 are doors. go support.
dear,
i just wanted you to know that... exhale.
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| im done. |
[17 Apr 2004|04:41pm] |
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i wish lacuna coil was actually real. i just want to be forgotten. there are so many things that i wish i could say but text only goes so far. exhale. i love it when i dont make matters better. i forfeit. im not going to talk anymore to anyone about it. im sorry to let you down.
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[17 Apr 2004|03:25am] |
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i am so sorry.
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| hoping this will last. |
[31 Mar 2004|11:16pm] |
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what i should have said a long time ago. |
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ok. so now im not going to talk about losing weight, my health, my friends, drama, and just plain shit.
this will hopefully be my last entry for a while. although live journal has been a good "venting aid" all i seem to do is get in trouble about it. thus, the stopping of updating.
promise falls:: i know i said some things in the past when i was upset over the whole ordeal. i am truly sorry and if i could, i would take back everything that i said. but sadly, i cant turn back time. so all i can offer is my apology and hope that you guys would forgive me. even though i wont expect you guys to, but i cant say i didnt try. i hope everything goes good for you guys. i will stay out of your hair and keep my distance. believe me if you want but i do mean it. this is without sarcasm if you didnt know. i have a surprise.
everyone else. im sorry but im done with this for a while. i only wish you people the best and i hope that your lives are far better than mine every will be. good night. and i hope sweet dreams find your slumber.
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[29 Mar 2004|10:03pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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music |
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Pantera "cemetary gates" |
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why is it so hard for people to understand that they dont need to be fucking dr. phils all the damn time? huh? what is that? if someone says they dont want help and that they just want to be left alone, then why are they always getting bitch at for it. just let it go. "oh i cried over you" or "i lost sleep over you". yeah i know you care, but some things are better taken care of by yourself. if someone tells you that they just want to be alone. you fucking leave them alone unless they have a fucking weapon in their hands. other than that. you just let them be. as far as turning on people. i never did such a thing. in fact. its the other way around. yeah, im going through a hard time right now. so what if i only confide in a hand full of people. thats my deal. no one elses. i dont have to tell everyone my shit. then to have your "friends" i-m you bitching and complaining. well that doesnt help much either. then they say that im not your friend anymore. good fucking solution. that makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER!!! if you never liked the real donnie, then fucking never talk to me anymore. it would be a waste of both our breath. im sorry for being so blunt but i have to be. people are driving this "deal" way out of porportion. sorry but im fucking done with all this nonsense.
good night. and have a pleasant tomorrow.
and no. THIS IS NOT TAREGTING A BAND NOR ANY OF THE MEMBERS OF ANY BAND!!!!!!!
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| need sleep..... |
[28 Mar 2004|12:20am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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AFI "Clove Smoke Catharsis" |
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i did so much today. it feels like its been in a 2 day span of time.
1.) woke up at 7:00
2.) got tires rotated
3.) got haircut :( just a trim
4.) got rice
5.) went to work until 4:00
6.) more rice
7.) mom's house
8.) mall to visit my sis and my 2 nieces ~im getting jamie, the eldest one (5), to growl!~
9.) got new shoes, etnies, they are comfy
10.) got new pants
11.) got new wallet
12.) home
13.) laundry
damn. im good.
mmmmmmmmmmmmm...... bones.......
i knew you always wanted me to self destruct. i am. but not for you. sickness, shadows, fold me in.
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| im not who im all cracked up to be. | its not over. im not done | |
[26 Mar 2004|11:45pm] |
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mood |
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shattering |
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music |
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all the words i should have said and killing myself for it. |
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What came forth from the remains? What has always lived and gone unseen? What has caused the night to fall? Who speaks of eternity? Who awakes to night eternally?
augustine did an awesome show. those kids are so cool.
show. national. sleep.
engagement through the nights of terror. get your legs blown off. crawling to a comfortable spot. wishing for another shot to finish the job.
i wish all this drama would end. its going no where. but people will probly comment to start more.
closer and closer it draws me near. i welcome my own destruction. take over. (only like 2 people know what im talking about).
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| taxes suck. |
[25 Mar 2004|11:54pm] |
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aggravated |
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music |
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Iron Maiden "Hallowed be thy name" |
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well, pay day. i would of had $355 but no. those goddamn taxes are shit. so my check was only $288. damn. but oh well. its income.
hopefully my new shoes will be in tomorrow. i need them so fucking bad.
oh yeah and by the way. im NOT sorry that what i listen to isnt what other people like. i listen to music that i like and that pleases me. stuff that is a part of me. i dont go around saying "oh you shouldnt listen to that band, cuz they suck" thats fucking ignorant as hell. if someone asks my views about a band, i will tell them. plain and simple. i have different tastes for different moods for different times. i cant help what i like and frankly i dont care what anyone says about it. i will listen to what i want and thats that. but if you want to discuss bands and music, i will be more that happy to do so. i love to do that. so whatever. i've always been a metal kid at heart. so what if i started listening to other stuff. who cares? yeah i listened to emo. so what? im done with that shit(there are some good bands in that category, dont get me wrong). im back to where im most comfortable at. metal \m/. judge me if you must. because i couldnt care less. as far as calling me emo? thats just a label and a lie. sorry to break it to yah. so those are my thoughts and feelings. if you didnt like what you read, too bad. thats how i go. period.
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| gore shin. best $12 spent. |
[24 Mar 2004|11:57pm] |
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sore |
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nothing. |
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show::
awesome as hell.
-scarlet was sweet. ~got a stick~
-bdm. oh bdm. you know what i mean. ~got a stick~
-as i lay dying. fucking amazing. they remembered me. ~got a stick~
-etid. was pretty cool. way too tired to care for what they sounded like. not bad though.
after all the insaneness. i chilled with bdm, scarlet, and as i lay dying. they are all awesome. very easy to talk to. i talked to them for about an hour.
got 2 bdm shirts. finally. got three sticks. got beat up in the front row again. not complaining. these are times that i will share with my kids.
met michelles bf. HE IS FUCKING AWESOME AS HELL!!! i need to hang out with them asap. (michelle, kendall, and gareth)
too tired to move. i think i will sleep in my chair.
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| sitting here in patten leather pants. what the hell am i doing? |
[23 Mar 2004|10:46pm] |
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AFI |
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i have too much skin. ewww.
bdm tomorrow. i heard it was sold out. that fucking sucks and is kinda cool at the same time. the ride consists of hersey, griffin and i. cant wait.
i just smoked the best flavor yet. thanks adam. you fucking rule.
i wish i was taller.
138. its a metal thing. you wouldnt understand.
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| i live in shadows and i am guided by candlelight. |
[22 Mar 2004|11:02pm] |
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AFI |
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*wednessday. i cant wait. -bdm show (as i lay dying) (everytime i die) (scarlet). flawless. -half day. -new shoes. -lunch with mom. -kendal and michelle+(with bf) just all around awesomeness.
in darkness together we ignite!
i see your deception. i know that hopes unknown.
comment whatever the hell you want. message board my ass for all i care. knock your selves out.
~just waking is surreal.
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| im gonna take you by surprise... |
[21 Mar 2004|11:55pm] |
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mood |
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 comfortable in shadows |
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music |
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AFI "Clove Smoke Catharsis" |
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this is very very sad. all day i thought about how i could things to be more like davey havok. weight thing i can pretty much fluctuate with. i will be his size hopefully soon. hair. already growing it. its gonna be sweet. tattoos= i really want to get sleeved. so badly. this whole thing is retarded but i'd rather be him than me.
i love candles in the midst of total darkness. so beautiful. i love watching the shadows dance in silhouettes.
i want some silver rings. like bans. awesomeness.
~playing with your hair as you pull my hips closer to yours. reach in for the sweet feeling of your lips against mine. then i awake. You're only there to watch me fall...If only pure sweetness was offered, why's this bitter taste left in my mouth?
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